Waiting
I’m able to walk around my house now for the most part. Karen insists that I still use crutches on the stairs, so I do. The walking feels good but it feels scary at the same time. Every day my boundaries change, but I never know how much or what direction. Can I swing my legs out of bed? Lift my right leg by itself to get it into my pants? Ice more or less? There are never ending questions that I have and most of them don’t have an answer as far as I know.
So where did all of that pain come yesterday? Was it because I decided to drive my car or because of a little over extension in PT? My mind tries to run through every little detail to figure it out. I’ve determined that when the pain sets an hour or so later, it’s darn near impossible to figure out what the hell caused it. These situations play with my emotions. This recovery is as much a physical experience as it is an emotional one.
There are highs too of course. I was walking in the kitchen two days ago and I big smile spread across my face, and a little snicker popped out of my mouth. Two weeks ago, I couldn’t even dream of walking. I Couldn’t even dream it. My dreams were more about a pain free existence. Here I was, walking!
I’m by myself now. My mum is back in the springs and that was a very big change. Of course I can’t do everything by myself, My roommate Reed and my brother Alex help me daily with PT, Alex drags ice across town to feed what seems a never ending need. But the little stuff, that’s up to me. Medicine, filling the ice cooler, getting dressed, showering, making food, etc. Those are the daily things I used to take for granted, and now they seem like a distant luxury.
After weeks of this madness (today starts week four), I finally figured out what to do. Wait. This infinite brilliance showed itself when I decided to hold off on digging into my cereal this morning. I had picked up the bowl and begun to make my first spooning swoop when I got the sudden urge for soggy flakes, and that dear friends, required waiting. Ding Ding. Light goes on in my head. That’s not the only thing you have to wait for Ryan Roth. Sure I have to work hard, I have to stick to the protocol and such, but healing is as much about waiting as anything else. I’ll keep you posted on how that plays out.
Filed by ryanroth at April 19th, 2007 under Life, Young & Hip